2 days ago Luna started pre school for the first time, and yesterday was Aurora’s first day at Primary School.
I had been so conscious, leading up to this week, to not overwhelm either of them with too much pressure, or information, or questions, about their up and coming new journey’s. I may have taken my eyes off of myself though.
Last night and today I have cracked. I feel like I’m physically fizzing. I have been so upset and angry and with a rational mind can completely see that it is related to the intensity of the last two days.
It was made harder with the fact that yesterday Luna regressed to her old ways of only accepting my mum to do anything for her and having actual panic attacks if I tried to help instead. To begin with it made me furious, but that emotion quickly transpired in to utter sadness.
It continued into the night, although I did manage to talk her round then, but this is one of the things I struggle the most with about living here.
If we were in our own house, and mum wasn’t living under the same roof, I know for a fact it wouldn’t happen. Even on days/nights when she is not here, I’m able to explain to Luna that she can’t have Grandma because she’s not here. Whereas if she knows that she is in the house, nothing will stop her until she gets what she wants. It’s heartbreaking and has ruined me each time for over 24 hours.
Aurora has been on another level today. Again, I know that it is because we haven’t left the house, and every time this happens, I vow that I will never spend an entire day indoors again, yet here we are. I shouldn’t have done it, but I can’t change what has already been done.
It’s really difficult when Aurora needs attention at the same time that I need solitude, especially when there is no other parent/grandparent to share the load with, and I am all she has.
Once again, I’m feeling very out of control of the current situation, the house sale getting to the last stages, yet still seeming to drag on. Not knowing when the completion date will be. Therefore, not knowing if we can 100% move into Toby’s flat or not. The uncertainty of the girls starting their new childcare/education adventures, and not knowing how they will cope or react (although one day in for each and so far so good!)
I can tell that I’m feeling out of control as I’m obsessively trying to sort everyone’s wardrobes out, packing away the summer clothes and digging out the warmer ones. Packing away the clothes that have been outgrown and ordering new items that are needed. But it’s not being done in a casual way, I feel a panic about it, like I need to get it done as quickly as possible, at the detriment of spending time with the girls or getting other important tasks done instead.
Today I feel as though the things that I was lacking were; space on my own, getting outdoors, being hydrated, being happy with how my hair looked – as I washed it and put it up, just straightening the fringe, and again, from experience I know that I am never happy with this situation and it makes me feel self-conscious – even if I’m not going anywhere or seeing anyone.
The mind set that I have plummeted into is making me dread welcoming another baby into this chaos. How am I going to cope with yet another child in the mix!? I honestly feel like I won’t be able to.
I either need to let go of a lot or get a lot of extra support. But then I feel like the support has to be specific, as being here with mum is then making Luna only want her, so that is actually making it harder than if we were elsewhere. Luke being off more means that I get more frustrated with how he does things and the fact that he can’t read my mind. I know all of this is unrealistic and unreasonable, but I can’t help how my brain works.
I’m trying so hard to be better, to let things go, to be more calm, and actually I’m very proud of myself for getting to a place that I was happier with. I was barely loosing my temper at all, and embracing the noise and chaos a lot more than previously. So this is yet more proof that I have been completely overwhelmed by the intensity of this week, and actually haven’t felt emotional with either of the girls going off into their new environments, maybe it had been bubbling under the surface. I am very good at pushing feelings down when I am not ready to feel them yet, and maybe I have done that here. I was pleased that I had work Thursday and Friday, as a distraction, but maybe it was not what I needed.
There is so much pressure, whether it’s intentional or not, whether you look for it or not, from all angles, when your child starts Pre School and Primary School. There’s all the messages asking how they’re feeling, and whether they’re ready. There’s getting all the uniform and backpacks prepped. Naming every single item of clothing. Friends and family constantly asking if they’re excited about it. The sleepless nights in the days leading up to it. The panic that you have forgotten something important. The stress of the teacher’s home visit and whether they will judge you, or your child. The worry that your child might be scared, or unhappy, or worried whilst they’re there and you’re not there to rescue them. The panic that they are going to have a toilet accident and be labelled as ‘that kid’. Then on the day of, there’s more message, more photographs, the Instagram posts, the excitement, the panic you’ll be late, the not knowing where to go. And then that enormous build up, that has felt as though it has been building for over 6 months, suddenly has nowhere else to go.
She’s in. It’s done. What now?
Walking back to the car thinking, was it all for that?
Something that has seemed so momentous is going to very quickly become the usual, mundane routine of almost every single day.
Not being able to debrief with Luke makes situations like this harder. He comes home when I’m already asleep, and leaves when I’ve barely drunk my coffee. And during those waking moments we also need to feed the girls breakfast, and get dressed and ready, so there really is no time to chat.
His hours are once again taking a toll, and I know they are hard on him, obviously, but I feel like they’re almost harder for me. I don’t want to wish away time I get with the girls, especially as that time is going to be even less, now that they’re in more childcare, but feeling like this makes me pine for them to be in bed, and I don’t want that.
I need some ‘go-to’ solutions that I can reach for when I feel this overwhelm again.
I need a physical list.
When I feel the heat rising (classic signs are, not wanting to talk to anyone, finding it hard to be amused by anything, snapping at things that I know for a fact don’t usually irritate me, feeling disorganised) then I need to;
1. Calmly walk out of the room, into a space on my own. Close my eyes and take 10 x deep breaths
2. Get some Loop ear plugs, if possible, and use them during the above exercise
3. Get a drink of water
4. Put shoes on (and the girls if necessary) and go outside
5. Change location, as severely as needed, determined by the urgency of the situation (if in the very beginning and minor stages, then the closest green space/park. If building quickly and feeling more moderate, then getting in the car and going somewhere more purposeful – come up with a list of 5-10 ideas for this. If in the last stages, as a result of a huge blow up and feeling incredibly emotional, then don’t miss a beat. Nothing is more important. Hopefully by following these then this stage will happen significantly less!)
I have been craving writing this all down, since this afternoon, so am thankful that it has been just as cathartic as I had hoped.
It has helped to calm me, and tomorrow is a new day.
I’m confident that by following the steps above I can help to keep the harmony and balance.
I am only learning after all.
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