Let me take you back to Sunday, I wrote this at 9pm that evening…
Well, that’s it. It’s done. I have just breastfed Luna for the last time. I can’t quite believe that I’ll never do it again in my life. I’ve shed a few tears today at the thought. I don’t really know how to feel. I know it will be better for us all (selfishly – me especially!) And it had to happen at some point, but it is sad and strange to think that that’s it. All done. My boobs are officially out of business for good.
They’ve done a very good job! Feeding Aurora for 13 months and Luna for 15 months. A good innings. Now I’m sure they will turn back into the pancakes that they were after I stopped feeding Aurora.
I never felt emotional when I stopped feeding Aurora as a) it happened really organically, with her being really easy to swap to bottles of cow’s milk and we phased it out gradually, dropping one feed at a time, until we finally cut the night feeds and b) I knew, or at least hoped, that I would have another baby, so would almost certainly be able to do it again at some point.
But now, that’s all folks! No more babies, no more breast feeding.
I don’t know about anyone else, but when you first have your baby, and you’re struggling to feed them, you feel so naïve, so inexperienced, so helpless, yet you don’t want to share that with anyone. You don’t want to tell anyone that you’re struggling, or that you cannot figure it out. You muscle through.
I had slightly more confidence the second time, but I still felt like an absolute teenager when declaring my problems.
It got to the point, within the second week with Luna, where feeding was so painful that I absolutely dreaded her waking up from her nap. I was raw, and I could tell that she was latching badly, but the added pain of pulling her off once she was on made me ignore it most of the time, and continue to feed her, with a bad latch, as it seemed the lesser of two evils.
I had a visit from the midwife, and only because they asked, ‘how’s feeding going?’ did I even mention it. I felt like a failure, I had already done this with one baby, I knew what I was meant to be doing! Plus, Luna fed well, she was quick and efficient, I think the longest she ever fed for was about 7 minutes if that. But she clearly got what she needed, as she was back up to birth weight within 5 days! (Unlike Aurora, who took 4 long weeks!!)
So, after explaining to the midwives that I was experiencing ‘a bit of pain’ when feeding, specifically on one side, they suggested the rugby ball hold (which I knew from Aurora as that was the position that FINALLY got her to latch properly, albeit on day 5, the poor, starved little babe!) So, I really should have known to try it, but all logical thoughts exit your brain when you have a baby! It was a game changer. Harder to orchestrate, plus Luna didn’t quite know what was going on, so it wasn’t as easy as the usual position across my lap, but it made the world of difference and feeding immediately went from excruciating to pain-free, in a matter of seconds.
With both girls, I got there in the end, after a little difficulty, in different ways. After which, we have had a wonderful journey both times. I love the ease, the convenience, and the flexibility of it. I love the fact it is completely free. I love that there is little to no sterilising. I love that I have hopefully helped their immune systems strengthen. I love how until they were both 6 months, they exclusively fed from me, so I had made them everything that they were.
I love looking back to how ridiculous I was with it at the beginning with Aurora. Taking myself off to private places, to be able to feed her, sitting in the toilet of a restaurant, wrapping myself up in multiple muslins, tucking them in here, there, and everywhere. Hiding myself away as if I was doing something embarrassing. To now, with Luna, if and when she needs a feed, she is getting it. I’m not moving or hiding away. It’s such a natural act that I don’t even think about it anymore. I wouldn’t think twice about someone getting a bottle of milk, or a lunch box of food out for their hungry baby, so it really is no different. I’m still discrete, but there’s almost no thought going into that. For someone who is quite possibly the biggest prude in the world, that really is ground-breaking. But also, so normal.
Leading on from Sunday, we had a disturbed night as Luna woke, and it was the first time I didn’t comfort her back to sleep with feeding. I had fed her at bedtime, as the ceremonial last ever feed, so she was incredibly unimpressed with the cuddles and rocking that Luke and I then offered her. Three hours of crying, walking, rocking, cuddling, swapping between Luke and me, and eventually I got her back to sleep – or she fell back to sleep, I really don’t think I played any part in it other than placing her back in her cot!
Monday, I worked, so it was normal to go the day without feeding her, and she didn’t fuss too much for it once I got back home. That bedtime was going to be the real test. The first one with no feeding. I gave her half a bottle of cow’s milk and we went and read a story separate to Luke and Aurora, so that we could try and have a more calm, tranquil environment. She did try to feed then, not understanding the new rules I had made. There were some tears, but I was there for cuddles and kisses, as and when she wanted them. It took a while, and two separate shifts, with Luke doing one in the middle, while I went to Aurora, but eventually, they both fell asleep.
Somehow, as if by magic, Luna slept all the way through the night… What sorcery is this? This CANNOT have worked already, surely?!
Tuesday, I woke up like a Page 3 model. Wow, I had not appreciated the effect that not feeding would have on my body. It was like when your milk first comes in when you have a baby. So painful, rock solid, engorged – the temptation to feed Luna was so great. I did Google ‘how long will my boobs hurt for’ and was disappointed to see that the answer was 5-10 days! 10 DAYS? I can’t put up with this for 10 days...!!
It did recommend weaning gradually, as that is best for you and baby, but I had already made my decision, and knowing how stubborn and determined I am, I wasn’t going to go back on that. Plus, we tried ‘cutting down’ a couple of weeks ago, and it had had a horrific effect. It was cold turkey, or nothing.
So, without going in to too much detail, I managed to release some of the pressure, whilst having a hot shower and that helped a little. A few times during the day, Luna tugged at my top, indicating that she wanted a feed, but I just kept repeating that it was all gone. That evening was easier, there were a lot less tears, she was happy to read a book with me and drink from her bottle, and then once in her cot, she gave me kisses through the bars, stuck her feet through and I stroked them until she fell asleep. It was the sweetest moment. I then went into Aurora, and she fell asleep quickly too, so by 8.30, Luke and I were able to have dinner together.
Now I really don’t know what is happening… but Luna slept through again! I am in no way taking this for granted, but it was absolutely delicious! I had forgotten what a full night’s sleep felt like. I couldn’t even remember what 4 consecutive hours felt like! Heavenly!
It could just be a case of Luna giving me a chance to build up a little energy so I can cope with some horrific nights coming my way, it could be a fluke, or it could be a sign of things to come. We shall see, but I already feel like a changed woman.
Strangely, since weaning Luna off of feeding, I have had a new level of patience and empathy for her, as well as Aurora. They still annoy me, sure. But the fact that I know Luna is largely upset because I have taken something comforting away from her, makes me feel awful, so I just can’t feel frustrated by her. I just feel so sorry for her. Hopefully as each day goes by, we will both find it a little easier.
I had been so worried about this evening. My first night on my own, with the girls, since weaning off. I had imagined absolute carnage. Luna screaming, Aurora not wanting to be left alone, no one asleep until 10pm... But I had the foresight to buy some new books for Aurora. So come bedtime, we had a peaceful and drama free bath – for once. We read one of the new books, all together, whilst the girls had some milk, and I then gave Aurora 2 new Bluey books, as well as a card to decorate with stickers for our friend Ivy’s birthday tomorrow. She was over the moon with her new books – I love it when you see genuine happy emotions on toddlers, they really do wear their hearts on their sleeves. I explained that I was going to put Luna to bed, so we all said goodnight to each other, and off we went.
It took an hour, and there was a fair amount of crying from Luna, but she did calm down, and I was there next to her the entire time. She happily drank her entire bottle of milk and asked for more. She flicked through a book, and once again gave me kisses through the bars, and got me to stroke her feet. When I went to refill her bottle, I popped in to see Aurora, who had decorated the card nicely, as well as her Alpaca Rocker (like a rocking horse… but an Alpaca!) with diamanté stickers. He looked fabulous… but that wasn’t entirely what I had had in mind. So, she peeled them all back off, attached them to the card, as planned, and I went back to Luna. Watching Aurora on the monitor, she finished the card, lined it up on the floor with her bedtime chart, and two new books, got in to bed, and fell asleep. WHAT?! Within 5 minutes of this happening, Luna too, drifted off silently… It was 8.10pm.
It just proves that when you go in with low expectations, you can only be impressed with the results. Fingers crossed that tomorrow goes the same and that this is the future for us.
I know I’m being outrageously optimistic, but once again, I am going to manifest this life. As well as praying for another unbroken night’s sleep. Here’s hoping!
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