Halloween is officially over for another year, and that means one thing and one thing only… We can start getting ready for Christmas! My favourite time of year, apart from this horrendous weather – I definitely prefer the warmer months in terms of temperature. But for everything else festive, this is my happy place.
The cosy fires, the candles, snuggling on the sofa under blankets, watching films, fireworks, hot chocolate, mulled wine, music playing constantly, festive songs, fairy lights, family time, the aroma of spices and orange, Christmas trees, excitement, champagne, Christmas crafts. All. Of. It.
I need to keep all that giddiness and excitement at the forefront as I am being clouded by a few other stresses at the moment, which I know can either be handled easily, or just need to be trusted in and patiently waited for.
Yesterday I felt particularly worked up, and I think the imminent move back to Newbury has started to weigh heavier than the original feelings of pure joy. The realisation that there is going to be a lot of waiting, and unknowns. The price of houses compared to Somerset is rather scary, and having no idea what our house is currently worth isn’t helping. Not knowing what Luke’s new salary is going to be for his new position means we can’t even predict what we will be able to borrow.
It's a similar feeling to the one I had once my maternity leave had finished with Aurora, but I continued to ‘not work’ for almost another year afterwards. I therefore felt as though I wasn’t contributing to our life or earnings at all. I was obviously taking care of our baby full time, which is an enormous responsibility and contribution, but that didn’t stop the internal feeling of uselessness.
I feel parts of this again. I feel as though all the answers to the questions that we need lie with Luke and his bosses, so I am being a little impatient and demanding. But I just want to be able to work towards it in some way, get the ball rolling, and start being able to contribute in some way, even if that is simply researching.
I feel as though Luke and I are co-existing at the moment, and not really getting any meaningful time together. Time all together with the girls is completely consumed by them. Any attempt at a conversation is interrupted, and the girls seem to be at their most unreasonable between waking up and Luke leaving for work. Once it’s just the 3 of us, they completely chill out. Therefore, I have subconsciously stopped trying to have any proper conversations within this time, as I know it’s not worth it. (I’m also not much of a morning person, and if it weren’t for having the children, I would not be up and chatting at that time of the day.)
We get our 3 evenings a week, but Luke has been so busy at work recently with special events, menu changes, staff holidays, photoshoots, and management visits that he has been exhausted and fallen asleep almost as soon as he sits on the sofa.
So, after a slightly stern-worded conversation as he was leaving for work yesterday, I felt immediately sad and that we weren’t communicating as well as we usually do, because we simply don’t have the time or brain space to. We need another date night ASAP! Some time together, away from the girls and equally somewhere that doesn’t encourage sleep!! Time to talk and laugh and get back to us again. We were meant to be finding time once a month, but it hasn’t happened since 1st Aug… It’s definitely necessary and something that I need to keep me sane.
We briefly did one of those ‘love language’ assessments when we did NCT, and I think I thought it was words of affirmation – and as important as I still think they are to me – quality time is definitely the winner. I hadn’t realised it until now. It can make such a difference. That slice of time together to remind yourselves that it’s the two of you against the world, not against each other. We are in no way against each other, but it’s best to reiterate that before it gets to that point. Stress can do crazy things to people, and I want that constant reminder there that we are a great team, a force to be reckoned with, and above all else, we are best friends.
We have so many big moments coming up, that I feel as though we’re not talking about any of them as it feels quite overwhelming, but that feeling is only intensifying as time moves on.
In 6 months’ time we will have a lot more of the answers, if not all of them, so I need to put my trust in the process and believe that everything will work out the way it’s meant to. That is the mantra that I live my life by, and I do firmly believe it. It’s just always easier to see it when you’re looking back at what has happened, compared to standing here at the beginning, not knowing.
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