I’m posting this a day later than usual and have made the executive decision this week that Thursday night is going to become my new writing time.
I was finding that after 3 nights of having Luke home, Wednesday was my first evening of being back to solo parenting and single-handed bedtimes, and the thought of doing all of that and then sitting down to write was a bit too much pressure. I want this to continue to be enjoyable and a helpful release, not a chore. So therefore, I am going to take Wednesday to decompress and regroup, get back into the swing of having the girls on my own, and Thursday can be my new dedicated blog time.
We have had a good week. I’ve felt as though moods have been brighter, tantrums and outbursts have been less frequent, and I have felt as though it has been slightly easier to handle.
I keep seeing quotes everywhere about how your reaction to your child’s behaviour is more to do with how you’re feeling and less to do with their actions, indicating that taking care of yourself should be right at the top of your priority list, alongside looking after your babies. It is very easily forgotten though, and not just moved a couple of places down the list, but it tends to completely crash land at the very bottom. I still don’t do it enough, nowhere near enough. I keep talking about doing it, but really need to try harder at implementing it.
Small steps so far include;
Thinking about getting a cleaner to free up my household jobs list – still in the ‘thinking’ stages for some reason.
Thinking about joining a yoga class – again, this doesn’t seem to have shifted in to action yet, but I’m determined that this will now that I know that Luke can handle both girls at bedtime on his own. Not that I ever doubted that he could, I do it most nights and I am in no way better or more equipped than him, just a lot more practiced, but that means nothing when most nights are a complete lottery.
Making more plans with friends – starting to do this more and more. I have some dinners coming up, some trips back to Newbury to see my favourites, and wine night with my NCT girls. Luke and I need to book another date in the diary as we had said we would try and do it once a month, and September is quickly coming to an end!
Seeing family more – again I’m trying to get something booked in each month. Whether that is with the whole gang, or just nipping out for a drink with my brothers – something that we have literally never done before, but I want to try and do more and more, as I feel as though we have really missed out on a big chunk of each other’s lives since we all moved out. Just over a decade of only really getting together at birthdays and special occasions, and then I have lived 3 counties away for the past 4 years, so that distance has become more physical. They still see each other all the time as they have the same friendship group, play for the same rugby team, and are very integrated in each other’s lives.
So maybe to them they haven’t realised that they don’t see me as much, but to me, I haven’t got another sibling to lean on.
I then also moved away from all my friends and the rest of my family. To a beautiful part of the country, don’t get me wrong. It is stunning.
But to make that enormous leap, for Luke to head up this new restaurant and be busier than ever.
To welcome our first baby into the world 6 weeks later and then be thrown into the chaos that was Covid. 2020 and 2021 blur into one with all the lockdowns, tier systems, testing and isolating.
Suddenly it’s 2022 and we’re introducing another baby into our home and are still a million miles away from our families and core network. (Maybe not a million miles, but 80 miles, which is far too far to just drop in.)
The girls have cousins back in Berkshire, one of which is my youngest brother’s daughter, and I am desperate for them to all grow up together, sharing experiences and loving each other as much as we all do.
Cousins seem such a novelty to me as we really don’t have any. Our Uncle and Aunt on my mum’s side don’t have any children, and then my dad’s sister has lived in Australia for the past 40+ years so her family is out there. We’ve met one or two of them a couple of times, but they are essentially strangers.
I want our girls to have a tribe. A network that they can rely on. So hopefully with me increasing our plans to see family monthly, and then inevitably moving back closer to Newbury next year, that will all be easier to achieve. I already feel as though I have missed out on so much of baby Isla’s first 9 months with living so far away, I want to be able to make up for it.
Well, that was a bit of a tangent, but clearly something my fingers decided needed to come to air. On with the list of small steps I’m taking to look after myself.
I’m trying to read more and finished a book today for the first time in a while. I have about 4 other books dotted around the house that I have started and not yet finished, so this felt like an achievement, and I loved it. Luckily there is a sequel, so I shall be starting that immediately. I have really missed getting stuck into a great story. I used to read all the time. Laughable to think about all those blissfully uninterrupted hours of reading I had. Now I’m lucky if I can squeeze in one chapter at bedtime, but I’m trying to read in front of the girls more, rather than mindlessly scrolling through my phone. Firstly, because I want to use my phone less – only for the essentials. Secondly, I want to encourage reading, and show them that I enjoy it too. Aurora loves books, I think I have written before about how many we have in the house, but it’s over 300 of her books alone. Luke probably has close to 100 recipe and cooking related books. In fact, I used to think I had a big collection and mine is definitely the smallest in the house. I don’t really hold on to that many though. If the are fiction, I’m unlikely to read them again so I will pass them on or take them to charity. Lifestyle books I do tend to keep and will probably refer to in the future. Cookbooks and crafting books I have whittled down time and time again and have been left with a solid select few. Luna is still a bit young to show a real interest, but already I can tell that she will continue in our footsteps. She just needs to learn to not rip the flaps off. It hurts my soul when a book gets damaged.
Getting outside each day – our after-dinner walks have become a quick tradition and I think they are doing us all the world of good. The girls definitely look forward to them, Aurora talks about them throughout the day and it’s funny how we almost always have time for them, when before there wasn’t a single second between finishing dinner and then going up for bath time. Funny how you can make time when you want to.
Maybe I should take note of that and realise it can be used in other areas of my day as well. It’s got to a nice stage of everyone knowing roughly what to expect, yet also being completely random. The girls almost always lead the way, so the direction changes constantly. Daddy joins us on the nights he is home, which is lovely. I’m just eager to see how well we keep it up through the winter months. I’m ok in cold temperatures, but I do not do well with rain. Maybe we will need to adapt it slightly when the weather takes a turn.
Other than the big move back to Berkshire, the other huge decision I will at some point need to make, is whether I stay working in hospitality. It can be a great industry, especially for an unmarried, childless individual that is able to work all hours of the day and night without too much kickback. On the flip side, it is an incredibly flexible industry so can usually fit around childcare arrangements and other commitments.
But when you have worked your way up to Assistant Restaurant Manager of a Michelin Star Restaurant, and then been Manager of two pubs after that, coming back in at part time waitress level is a bit of a slap. I appreciate that it is unrealistic to think that I could do the work of a Manager when I only work 2 days a week. I like it in terms of being able to come in, do the job, not have too much responsibility, and then leave again. In fairness, I am basically treated as though I do hold a title similar to that. I am also managing the services when I’m in and I have been put in charge of training the new starters. I just don’t know if I’m fully in it anymore. Friendly customers far outweigh the grumpy ones, but the grumpy ones can ruin your entire day. No amount of positive guests can make up for that. I just don’t think my heart is in it that much anymore. I completely appreciate that it is what I am meant to be doing right now, and I enjoy working at Teals, but once we move back, I don’t think it is what I want to do going forward.
But then the big question is what? I’m trying to carve out some time to just think. That is such a difficult thing to do. There are always distractions and it’s rare to be able to switch off from all of that and switch on to what is going on inside. I do feel the pull towards something creative. I’m still interested in interior design, and everything involved with that. I desperately wish I had more time to invest in DIY around the house. I want to improve my carpentry skills. I want to be able to make ideas come to life. After studying Building Construction at College and then going on to do BTEC Carpentry the year after, I feel as though I have the basic knowledge. I have the attention to detail, and I think I have a creative eye. We have always joked that my ideal job would be building other peoples IKEA furniture for them. A flatpack and a bunch of Allen keys really is my happy place. Maybe improving my skills, practising in our own home first (when we move, and once Luna can hopefully get into some free childcare from January!) The thought of being able to make bespoke fitted furniture, or something along those lines is all I keep coming back to at the moment.
I appreciate that successfully assembling a flatpack, with instructions, compared to building a wardrobe or the like by hand are two completely different ends of the spectrum, but you've got to start somewhere, and some experience is better than no experience.
It might just be an idea, and stay that way forever, but I’ve got to give all these little ideas room to breathe, to see if they do emerge as anything else.
The seed has been planted, I’m giving it a big pot and plenty of water, and now all I can do is watch and wait to see if anything grows.
On reflection, it probably would have been better to write last night, as both girls were shattered, so I started bath time half an hour earlier than usual and they were both asleep by 7.10pm.
Aurora is a bit snotty and seems to be coming down with a cold, although today seems no worse than yesterday, but she kept saying she was tired and then slept for 13.5 hours last night!
Luna, on the other hand, was unsettled from 11pm onwards and from 12.30 was in with us. She is not a good bed companion. I’m all for co-sleeping if it means everyone gets more sleep. She was so awake. From 4.40am she began her day, climbing on top of us, standing on our heads, traipsing around our room, playing with the lights, wanting Luke’s phone etc. In the end Luke took her downstairs at 6am because none of us were getting any sleep.
Tonight, Aurora took until 8.45 to go down, although was pretty good overall. She was looking out of her window while I was in with Luna, and then called me in to see what she had ‘discovered’. She could see the flashing lights of what she said was a star, but was either a plane or a satellite, and then the car parked on a driveway out the back of our house had a flashing red light showing the alarm was on. She was fascinated that they were both flashing, had so many questions about both and kept congratulating herself for noticing them.
She asked if I could cuddle her, so I climbed in next to her and she thanked me for cuddling her, then told me over and over that she loved me and that I was the best. When I told her I loved her and that SHE was the best she firmly told me, ‘NO, YOU are the best.’ So, I gracefully accepted that title.
A stark contrast to how some of our bedtimes have gone in the past. She ended it by saying that she didn’t need me in the room because she slept for 13 hours without me last night, so she would be fine. She quietly went to sleep while I made a start on this blog entry.
On the other side of the landing Luna has been so unsettled and has been sick three times so far. I can feel another unsettled night ahead, but I always prefer it in a way when there is an obvious, usually illness related reason to it. When they are just awake for no known reason, it can be irritating. Now it is more likely that last night’s unsettledness, was probably due to whatever this is. Whether it’s Aurora’s cold that’s making it hard for her to breathe, or whether it is some form of sickness bug, I hope it is quick and painless and we can all get back to full health soon!
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