I feel like it has been another emotional week. But this time the end is in sight, and it has felt less unknown and more of a relief that an answer may be just around the corner.
On Thursday I met my wonderful friend Hilary for a pint in the sun, with our two youngest, while our toddlers were at Pre School. It was so good to be outside in the sunshine. Almost from the second I arrived, we let all our woes tumble out. We could have talked for hours longer, but unfortunately did have to go and collect our children at 4pm. Also, we had some very exciting ‘business’ to discuss, so had to put our complaints to one side for at least an hour.
I then went to collect Aurora, and she ran off to play with her ‘best friend’ at Pre School, Evie. I got talking to Evie’s mum – which for anyone who knows me, is totally out of my comfort zone! But we talked solidly for almost an hour! We shared everything, she now knows more about me than some of my friends, and the same for me with her. She has been in a very similar situation with her family, her husband is in hospitality (and coincidentally was almost my General Manager as he applied for the job at Teals!) They also have two girls, and have recently moved back to Yeovil, to be closer to her family, as they needed the help and support.
I explained my situation and that Luke, and I only get one day a fortnight together, and so need more time together as a family, as well as more date nights, and then I need more time for me. She asked why I didn’t put Aurora in Pre School for another afternoon session each week, and I told her honestly that the thought had never crossed my mind.
The following morning at work, I received a phone call from the Pre School saying that they had an opening on a Wednesday afternoon and wanted to offer it to me before asking anyone else. If that isn’t a gift from the universe, then I really don’t know what is?! She told me to take the weekend to think it over and I almost snapped back at her that I didn’t need to, this was meant to happen. Thank you, higher being.
On Friday, just as I was leaving work for the day, I had a quick exchange with my GM and decided to tell him about how I had been feeling recently. He also has two children, and his wife works in the hospitality industry as well, so he really empathises with my situation, or seems to, anyway. I told him that I had been feeling a bit unhappy, and that if I could find childcare for Luna for Fridays, I would love to work Monday and Friday every week. He was ecstatic! He completely understood where I was coming from and said that he would love for me to do every Friday. It makes more sense all round. If I can just find somewhere for little Luna Bug.
Upon returning home, I explained all of this to my mum. She had a look on her face of complete helplessness. I could tell it pained her to hear me explain how hard it is, and so tough for her because we have moved so far away. She then offered for the rest of the Summer Term, and through the Summer Holidays, she will come every Friday. I didn’t know what to say. It’s such a big help and I hope she knows how much I appreciate the gesture.
It's a lot to do every week, and she already has to squeeze 5 days’ worth of work in to the 4 days that she is now contracted for. Plus, my brother and his girlfriend have a new-born as well, so she is helping them as and when she can. I spoke to Luke’s mum and asked if she could help us with one in four Fridays, and she can, so between the two mums, we have a superwoman team ready to support us and ensure that we get a little more time together as a family. We are incredibly lucky.
Luke’s mum has also offered to come and stay with the girls one Tuesday night, so that Luke and I can go for a date. I am giddy. It will be so special, and again, I cannot wait! She will then stay and have them on the Wednesday too, so I can get a little ‘me-time’.
Saturday, we travelled back to Newbury and saw my grandparents for lunch. The girls loved seeing their ducks and going exploring in their fields. Aurora pointed out all the mole hills. I don’t know how she knows what a mole hill is?! I was very impressed.
I met my two beautiful friends Lily and Becka for dinner. To say it was emotional would be an understatement. Lily’s daughter has been recently diagnosed with Autism and the battle that she currently has on her hands is incomprehensible. She is such an inspiration, and even before this, I was always totally in awe of how incredible she was, well she has sky-rocketed to heights I did not know were possible. She has an amazing Instagram account, @Unmaskingus, where she shares some beautiful original poetry, empowering posts, inspiring recommendations, crucial statistics and information that should be seen by all. Whether you are part of a Neurotypical or Neurodiverse family, it’s knowledge we should all have, to make this world a better, more accepting, and more COMFORTABLE place for everyone.
On Sunday I travelled back to Somerset with the girls, via Whitchurch to see my lovely friend Vanessa, and her family. They treated us to a delicious lunch, and her two children and husband entertained my girls enough that we actually got quite a lot of topics covered! We are so seasoned at this now, as for the past 7 ½ years there has always been at least one child around, now we have 4 between us, it is another level, but we seem to be experts at having a mental itinerary before we meet, and then audibly ticking things off as we go. It’s quite a talent.
When we returned home, it was calm for about an hour and a half. I didn’t do my usual washing marathon or try and sort everything out immediately. I let it be. I categorised, sure. But I largely moved everything upstairs to be sorted at another time. Yet still, as we carefully approached dinner time, tensions started to rise, tempers started to fray, and I lost my s**t once again.
I don’t know if it was because I had in the back of my mind that our friend Tyler was coming to stay and would be coming through the door, with Luke, at any moment, and the house wasn’t as immaculate as I would have liked, and I didn’t seemingly have my s**t together, as I like to portray. Or just that time of day, the witching hour, when I need back up. I can’t even remember now what happened, but I know that it concluded with Aurora, and I sat in a heap on the kitchen floor, crying to each other. She, heartbreakingly, went to the fridge, and picked up one of her magnets (a girl’s face, crying, labelled ‘Upset’) and showed it to me, whilst saying, ‘I’m feeling this’ that’s what made me cry too, and then she said, ‘We’re both feeling this’. Of course, this is when Luke and Tyler walked in.
Once we had finally got the girls in bed, and all sat down to enjoy a BBQ dinner, delightfully prepared and cooked by the boys, I told Tyler all about what has been going on lately, and I realised that after a full weekend of sharing my struggles, and getting everything off of my chest, I actually wasn’t searching for an answer, necessarily, just an ear. Having true friends that can simply listen, let you unload, maybe share some of their own anecdotes with you, is usually all that’s required. I am very lucky to have the friends that I have, I need to be less of a recluse and see them more. It literally makes my heart feel lighter, every time I see them.
Over the past couple of days, I have still lost my temper a little, but not as much as I had been, so I am really hoping that I am on the path to happier times, and less shouting. It doesn’t help that I seem to have developed some form of cough and lost voice combo, so I don’t know what that is, but my voice is getting huskier and quieter as the days go by, and the cough is worsening, but is only happening in fits two or three times a day. Again, maybe the universe is taking away my ability to shout, as a sign!
I had one more sign from above on Monday. I left work and usually I would open maps on my phone, even just for the drive home, because you never know in this part of the country! If the main road is closed or queuing, then I wouldn’t have a clue what roads to use. So, without fail, I use a map for every journey.
But in our new car, Luke has (selfishly) brought a phone holder that uses a magnet, and seemingly only comes with one, so obviously his phone has taken priority. Long story short, I can’t put my phone in the holder, therefore thought I wouldn’t bother with the map.
As I joined the A303, and started slowing in some traffic, I received a voice note from my colleague Anna saying, ‘Don’t get on the A303, there’s huge queues and the road is closed after the roundabout’ Oops. But I thought, how bad could it be?! I only have about 2 miles to go until the roundabout and then could either double back or carry on my usual way if it doesn’t look too congested. The journey home usually takes me 17 minutes. I opened my map to find any information about the delay and it informed me that my journey still had 57 minutes remaining. WHAT?! I don’t think I have ever been stuck in traffic that bad.
I sent a message to Luke, so that he could get on with the girls dinner, and he still had Tyler there to help if necessary. And instead of getting annoyed or frustrated about the situation, I chose to see the absolute positives (I always find it easy to in regards to traffic, it’s the one thing that doesn’t seem to wind me up, yet Luke is laid back about everything in life… except traffic. This would have driven him wild – Pun intended. It’s why we are so perfectly matched)
I had my podcast playing, the sun was shining so strongly that I’m sure I now have one pink cheek. I had been given free cake from work that was going out of date that day, so an exciting car snack, and my water and coffee were freshly topped up. What more could I ask for?! The journey ended up taking me 1 hour 40 minutes to get home… Mad, but I’m CERTAIN the universe thought I deserved some alone time, and I am fiercely appreciative.
Luna bug is still a little out of sorts, snotty, teething, emotions all over the place, seems to be having her first tantrums, which are fun. She wants to be held but doesn’t want to be touched. You know the ones?! I’m hoping it’s coming to an end, because I miss our perfect little peach who smiles all the time and is easy to look after! Her sleeping has improved though, even if she sometimes ends up in our bed after one of the feeds as she doesn’t settle as easily, I’ll take that over endlessly rocking a crying baby any day!
I’ve realised that something else that I am craving and really missing, is time with just Aurora. I haven’t had any proper time with just her since Luna arrived over a year ago. We get her nap times, but it’s not the same. So, I have said that on Tuesday I will take her somewhere for some Aurora and Mummy time. Even if we just go to a coffee shop, or a walk, or to the park just us, I think we both need it.
The last two days when I have been frustrated with her, usually around bath and bed time, she has said, ‘Mummy, just be best friends’ and it has really stopped me in my tracks. She is my little bestie, and we need to have some more fun together.
When listening to the ‘Happy Mum, Happy Baby’ podcast the other day, Giovanna Fletcher interviewed Lorraine Kelly, and she said that she worked really hard when her daughter was young, but that someone had said to her, when your child grows in to an adult, and looks back at their childhood, they won’t remember what you achieved at work, or how tidy your house was, they will remember experiences you shared, the adventures you had, and the laughter.
So that really is all that is important.
The dusting can wait, the bath can be cleaned tomorrow, the toys can decorate the floor all day, as long as we try and have fun, make memories, and laugh along the way, that really is all that matters. So, I am going to try a little more of that from now on.
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