I think we can safely say that Winter has arrived. After the return of the sun a couple of weeks ago, that fooled us in to thinking that Summer was not quite over yet, we have been smacked in the face with cold days and wet weather. This week the heating has officially been turned on, which I always find quite ceremonial.
I don’t mind the colder temperatures, it’s the rain that I do not have time for. I am trying to change my attitude towards it though as I have noticed it rubbing off on to Aurora and she has started moaning when she sees rain, and calling it rubbish. Oops.
From Tuesday last week, I had a horrible cramp type pain in my stomach that I couldn’t seem to shake. I put up with it through the day and convinced myself that it would be gone by the time I woke up the following morning, as these things usually are. Unfortunately, I woke up to the pains intensifying and travelling further up to sit just below my ribcage. It wasn’t a constant pain, more like sharp stabs that seemed to last longer and longer as the day progressed.
Both Wednesday and Thursday night, I pleaded with Aurora to help me out at bedtime as I really needed to go and rest on the sofa. The first of those nights Luna went down really easily, but Aurora took until about 8.45 to go down, so not helpful, and the second evening the girls’ switched positions with Aurora going down quickly, but Luna needing more comforting. I started to try and self-diagnose the pains, but all I could really come up with was heartburn and acid reflux. I haven’t ever really experienced either of these, so it was hard to say, but I didn’t think it was, plus it seemed to be worsening as the days went on.
Friday, I had work, and it really ramped up while I was there. Every time I was moving around it was taking my breath away and taking me longer to recover. My manager suggested I contacted my doctor, and they called me back with an appointment for later that afternoon. After asking me about 10 times if I was ok, in the end she told me to go home and rest before my appointment. I hate not being 100%, or being ill in any way, but agreed that I thought it was the best thing to do.
Upon returning home, my mum was there looking after Luna while Aurora was at Pre School, we had a huge chat about plans of moving to Newbury and all the logistics surrounding it. The unknown nature of it all has been playing on my mind massively and I get uncomfortable when I don’t have all the facts in front of me. There are so many variables and the fact that Aurora starts school next year, so applications need to be in by January, adds another stressful layer to it all.
Where will we be? Where will she go? Will I apply for schools here, and then transfer? As my mum pointed out, that will be treated as a late application, and if we have no intention of living here by September next year, what would even be the point of applying to the schools here?
My mum then made me the most generous offer imaginable. That we can move back in with her as a stepping stone between selling our house in Somerset and buying another back in/near Newbury. We have joked about it a few times, but it really would help so much. It made me tearful, as I could feel the weight being lifted from my shoulders already. Having that as an option is game changing.
Following on from this I went to my doctor’s appointment and described all my symptoms, but she was a little baffled. She concluded that it was most likely muscular as it didn’t seem to be travelling anywhere else but couldn’t really suggest anything other than ‘take it as easy as you can with 2 toddlers. These things can take weeks or months to heal properly as you will most likely keep restraining it.’
I got home and made dinner, my mum stayed to help with bath and bedtime before she drove back to Newbury. She called me when she got back and told me that she thought my pains were probably stress related. I laughed, as I don’t feel as though I get that stressed.
(My friend Hilary pointed out, when I said this to her, that from reading my blog posts and talking to me regularly, it is very obvious that I DO get stressed, which I cannot deny…!) But I think it’s more that I don’t feel as though I silently worry about things, if something stresses me then it is immediate and then usually over quite quickly.
Yet there are times when my body tells me that I’m stressed before my brain does. Usually that takes the form of my skin having a flare up, but it’s never appeared as a physical pain before.
Regardless, from the moment I woke up the following morning, until now, I have not had a single pain since.
I do believe that it was stress induced, and that having that conversation with my mum has literally taken the load off and freed me of my physical discomfort.
The girls have been a mixed bag this week. I feel as though their tantrums are peaking, especially Luna, she really does go for it when she does. But on the flipside, when they are good, they are amazing.
Aurora is so articulate and some of the conversations we have are mind blowing. She surprises me each day and I can really start to see the young girl she is growing in to. She has such a good heart, and in the moments when she loses her temper, or gets frustrated, I can tell that she just feels everything so deeply.
I am a ball of emotion, so she was destined to inherit a little, if not all of that as well.
She dropped a magnet today and it broke in two, and she immediately was in hysterics. She looked deep into my eyes, and I could tell that it was catastrophic for her.
They don’t have the level of logic yet that we possess. I therefore couldn’t dismiss it, or try and rationalise, I had to join her on her level, and let her feel her feelings. She calmed down and we immediately got the super glue out, so hopefully it will be as good as new, but I need to remember that innocence and emotion whenever she reacts in a big way. Sometimes it can be when I am also feeling at my peak, so I don’t give her my best reaction, but from now on I shall try and picture the little pig magnet, who lost his head.
Luna is coming along leaps and bounds with her words, or at least sounds that she thinks are the words. The look of pride on her face when she says her version of them is so heart-warming. Her cheeky little face, her beautiful smiles, the way she has started really cuddling into me at various times of the day, and the fact that she has now mastered the all important ‘Mama’. Her favourite word to say, on repeat, is definitely ‘Rora’ (her name for Aurora) and I’m not sure there is anything more adorable than her calling it out to her big sister.
The other day when the two of us went to collect Aurora from Pre School, Luna jumped down and went to the gate as she was coming across the playground, calling Rora, Rora, Rora. The teacher opened the gate and Aurora came out and gave her the biggest cuddle, telling the teacher that it was her baby sister. All the other parents were saying how sweet it was, and it really did make my heart feel full.
A week or so ago, when the girls and I were going out for our after-dinner walk, Aurora asked if she could take her litter picker (I brought it last summer as she had started picking up bottles and wrappers in the park so she could put them in the bin, so I thought this was a little more sanitary). So, we went out for the walk as usual, and she picked up any litter we passed along the way. I don’t know if all estates are like this, but there is always so much rubbish around by us. We always fill an entire bag easily and could probably do the same every day if we tried.
As we were coming to the end of our walk, we passed all the children that play out the back of our house, and because I am self-conscious, I was already worrying that one of them would say something, or make a joke about Aurora doing it, but they didn’t at all, in fact one boy asked what we were doing, and then said, ‘So, are you saving the universe?’ He went on to say that that was so cool, and that he didn’t have a litter picker, but could he borrow ours one day as he wanted to do it too. He completely shattered my misjudgement, and I was completely pleasantly surprised.
A couple of days later, I had a knock at the door, and there he was asking to borrow it. I gave him the litter picker, along with a bag, and admittedly did think to myself, we might never see that again. We then went out for our walk as usual, and Aurora was a little worried that he was nowhere to be seen when we came back towards our house. But I had faith, and lo and behold, propped up against our front door was the litter picker (along with the bag of rubbish, which I don’t think I personally needed, but I took care of it for him). I just felt as though the entire situation was so wholesome, and our good deed had had a domino effect on to somebody else.
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