What a joke. It’s almost 9pm and I am only just getting downstairs after what might honestly be the worst bed-time circus production we’ve ever had.
Our routines have all been a little skewed for the past 2 weeks, as we have been on holiday, and then had Daddy home for the week afterwards. Today was the first day of being back to normal. Luke went back to work, and I went back to having both girls on my own.
I foolishly said to Aurora’s teacher today that I was ‘looking forward to getting back into our routine, although I would probably regret saying that tomorrow.’ Well, I already do.
Who do I think I am!?
It was fine until about 5.30pm. A few tantrums, but nothing I couldn’t handle. But sweet Jesus, from then on…
Aurora kept getting really frustrated with Luna, and after a few times of me telling her off for pushing her, she pulled her hat down really hard (which was tied around her chin) and wouldn’t stop. Luna was screaming. It was the first malicious seeming thing that I have seen her do, for apparently no reason at all, other than she put her arm in the pool, and then complained because it was wet. She then pretended to walk through the one door that was closed (the other was open) and had a meltdown because she wanted to use the other door. As ridiculous as that all is, it definitely does not warrant hurting poor Luna, who clearly was in the wrong place at the wrong time!
Aurora has been having quite a few toilet accidents recently, since being back from holiday, and I don’t know exactly what is causing them. I think she has had cystitis a couple of times, so that could be one cause, and whenever she gets an upset tummy, that seems to cause it as well, and she has had a mix of both this past week, but it does seem to be getting worse.
I had lost my temper at her after the almost strangling of Luna, so I’m sure I am to blame for all of this, but she then proceeded to say she needed a wee, refused to go, had the most ridiculous tantrum when on the toilet to the point where she then almost had a panic attack (this has happened about 5 times when she gets really worked up, and usually she falls asleep quickly after, so I am sure it is a sign of utter exhaustion).
Luna was having the mother of all meltdowns at the same time, because she wanted to be held, and I just broke.
I cannot physically hold you both, and comfort you both, at the same time.
Even if I could, Aurora hates being touched by Luna in those moments, so it would never work. Not to mention that Aurora was on the toilet at the time, so I really didn’t want us all cuddled together there.
When the girls saw me cry, they both suddenly stopped. It’s funny how even as young as Luna, they are tuned in to people’s emotions. Or mine, in particular. Maybe because they have hardly seen me cry, or maybe because they really do want and need me to be happy. But it was all I could do in that moment.
We went up stairs for bath time and it just got 10 times worse. Aurora was still constantly saying that she needed a wee but hadn’t successfully had one yet. I had put Luna in her cot to contain her, while I tried to comfort Aurora, and that was clearly the worst thing I could have done. She too was almost on the edge of a panic attack.
She was clearly exhausted as well, so I decided that she wasn’t desperate for a bath, so I would just get her in her PJ's and feed her to sleep, and I then would only have ONE to contend with.
Aurora would not leave my side, so ‘quietly’ (haha, are toddlers EVER quiet?!) sat on my bed with me, completely naked by this point, sitting on a little rectangle of toilet paper, as I had said I didn’t want her bare bottom on my bed… it’s not exactly what I had meant, but was actually pretty funny.
Somehow, Luna managed to drift off pretty quickly, despite the running commentary going on next to us.
One down, one to go.
Bed times on holiday were generally good. She went down relatively easily, albeit with needing a few more books reading than normal, and on a number of occasions Daddy lay with her until she fell asleep (which was usually well after he had fallen asleep himself!)
But since being back, they have been getting more and more outrageous. I know that all kids get to the stage where they make numerous demands, just to put off going to sleep, but it was getting out of hand.
So, we made a new rule yesterday, that we will only read two stories, and then she is welcome to read as many books as she likes to herself, or have her story-teller on, but that is it. No getting toys out, no china tea parties, no toy cars, or anything else that had started to happen this past week.
This new rule didn’t help last night, and it still took Luke and I until almost 9pm to get her down. Luna had woken twice in that time as well, I think the heat is waking her more than usual in the early evening, but she then is doing well over night, with one, maybe two additional wakes, so it’s not too bad.
Also, a quick side note, she has been really out of sorts for a while, as I have mentioned before, and it’s been so strange as she is usually such a happy and chilled little girl, but since coming back from holiday, I firstly, had a notification saying that she was entering Leap 9 – which I am not really following this time around as much, but it all linked up. But secondly, I have noticed she has FIVE teeth poking through! I mean, I am not bloody surprised she has been whinging! FIVE!? Poor girl. What an actual trooper!
Anyway, back to this evening. I had a nice ‘solo’ bath-time with Aurora, we talked through all of our frustrations and apologised. I got her ready for bed and we read 2 stories. And I honestly, if a little naively, thought that she would get a little selection of books and read them until she fell asleep shortly after. That may sound like wishful thinking, but that IS what she was doing until recently. But no, the dramatics began. She would get a book; I would go downstairs and attempt to start the washing up (I think it took me an hour and a half in the end… and there was not much to do!!) She would call me back up. Up I would go. She would pick another book, and the same would happen again. This went on for a while but was generally fine.
Then she wouldn’t let me leave the room, so anytime I did, she was already at the gate calling me back. There was no particular moment, but I just lost my temper again. Shouting for her to just stay in her bed, to keep quiet, and to not wake Luna. The double standards.
Cue Luna waking up. Of course. So, I try to feed Luna, but Aurora is kicking her door and calling for me at the top of her lungs. I tell her to get back in bed and be quiet. She does it again, and repeat. Then just as Luna’s eyes are starting to get heavy again, Aurora needs a wee. Classic.
So, I put Luna down – another ‘End of the world’ meltdown.
Aurora finishes up and I put her back in her room. I go back to feeding Luna. She comes back to her door and asks me to go and play with her. I explain, shortly, that I will, once Luna is asleep, but she will not go to sleep if Aurora is making so much noise.
Silence finally falls over the house, Luna goes back to sleep, and once I put her back in her cot, I go to check on Aurora. She too, is asleep. Now I feel even more awful than I already did, because I got so angry at her, and she may have gone to sleep sad.
The last thing she had said to me was, ‘but Mummy I just want you to be my best friend’. Heart-breaking.
I really do feel like I’m doing a rubbish job at this, almost all of the time, at the moment. I think having these two weeks with Luke off, especially this last one, where we have largely been at home, it has proven to me that having him here to help, doesn’t make the situation any less difficult or stressful, it just means that we can tag-team a little more, and have the other one there to support, when needed.
I don’t know if this is what parenthood is meant to be like. Is it like this for everyone? Because I’m not going to lie… I’ve realised that I really don’t like it at the moment. It’s hard. Every day there’s something. Is this just what it is like?
I’m just not enjoying it. I feel overwhelmed, I’m exhausted but in such a different way than I am used to. It’s mental exhaustion. Physically it’s not that bad. I can deal with the night feeds, I’m not falling asleep on the sofa in the evenings, and I can function relatively well on broken sleep. But I feel like my brain isn’t working the same anymore. I’m staring in to space a lot more and I think I’m searching for a place of peace. I can’t really think about socialising too much as I feel so overloaded. Yet when I see friends, it is fine.
We had a lovely weekend at a friend’s wedding, without the girls, and then out the following day for lunch at The Woodspeen, for another friends birthday, again without the girls, and both of those occasions felt like some of the most indulgent hours of our lives. To spend time with Luke, without being responsible for two little ones at the same time, was magical.
I’m hoping this is just a little blip. I mean, it has to be. The girls are way past the ‘warranty’ cut-off, so I am stuck with them for life.
I’m just struggling to enjoy it. Maybe this is because I’m still reeling from tonight and it has clouded my judgement. Or maybe this is just a particularly difficult phase. One and three years old. It’s intense.
For a long time, I have always been worried about what everyone thinks of me. I want everyone to think that I am super positive. I want everyone to think that I am really organised and incredibly tidy. I want people to think I have delightful children and that motherhood has come really easily to me. I want to have a job I can be proud of, in an industry that others approve of. But in talking to my brother-in-law, on holiday, he made me realise that all of that, is just to feed my Ego. He didn’t mean that in a negative way, and I didn’t take it as such. But I am realising since then that I really do seek acceptance and validation with almost everything I do.
Even writing this blog, there were always so many background thoughts of, ‘should I say that, because then people might think this of me…’ or ‘I need to mention that person otherwise they may think I don’t value them…’ I need to put a stop to it all.
I had convinced myself one time, when a friend came round spontaneously, and I hadn’t tidied away a pile of post, that they would go and tell our other friends that I wasn’t as tidy as they had thought… Am I ok!? Who cares if I have post out? Who cares if I have dusted today or not.? Who cares if the garden is tidy, when all the toys are just going to come back out again tomorrow? (Actually me, I care, I’m definitely still going to pack toys away each night!) Some things do generally make me feel better and more calm when they are clean and tidy, but I do need to stop the internal dialogue of what others may think.
In saying that, I have been really slack with almost all of the housework these past two weeks, as I have prioritised time together as a family, and rightly so. But today I was genuinely excited about getting back to it and getting some cleaning and organising done. It really does make me feel better, and I do believe that the more mess there is around my house, the more messy my head feels. I could ‘embrace’ it while Luke was off, but again the main reason for that was because I knew we weren’t going to have any visitors. The real test will be how I react next time we have guests at the house, which will be Friday when my mum comes, and then Sunday when we have friends and family over for Luke’s birthday. I don’t think I’m healed just yet… I’ll definitely still stress about the house being super tidy. But we can take baby steps.
And in terms of being super positive, I am the majority of the time. But when I’m feeling low, or frustrated, or overwhelmed, I need to be better at admitting that too. Talking it out and either seeking help, if necessary, or just having an ear to listen. Even when that period of time seems to be going on for a lot longer than expected, as it is now. Talking only ever helps, it’s just finding the childfree time to do so!
I feel as though this has already been cathartic, and I am pleased I have this outlet to vent my thoughts and feelings on to.
Tomorrow is another day. The slate has been wiped clean, once again, and all I can do is my best.
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