Well what a beautiful few days of sunshine we had. It really felt as though Spring had arrived, and Summer was just around the corner.
Luke had the girls Monday and Tuesday, while I was at work, and they had a great time playing in the garden. Luke re-organised his shed (how!? I literally cannot get 5 minutes without one, if not both children physically ON me!!) The garden furniture came out, there were bubble machines everywhere, the vegetable beds have been replanted, we have new strawberry plant grow bags, the cushions were out, the sun hats were on, we even contemplated having a BBQ…
Today, smack back to the grey, wet, cold weather that we are used to. What a tease!
I’m quite content when the weather is like this though, as it gives me a physical excuse to stay home – which is my most favourite thing. I think I may actually be a hermit. I would quite happily stay at home every day. I like going to see friends and having exciting plans, of course, but when I have a week ahead of me with barely anything planned outside the house, I am genuinely at my most happy.
I think I have always been this way. I thoroughly enjoy my own company, which is good as I have to spend a lot of time on my own. But I remember even as a teen, I used to enjoy having alone time. Then as an early 20-year-old, I used to dog sit for a few different people, and really loved planning my dinners, cooking for myself and watching whatever I wanted to on TV. And read, I used to read so much. I’m trying desperately to pick it back up when I can, but I find it tricky. In fairness, in the day time, if I get a spare minute, I read my Ideal Home magazine subscription, so if I didn’t have those, then that could be ideal book reading time, and then when I go to bed I had got in to a good pattern of reading for 30-45 minutes. The last book I finished was ‘The Midnight Library’ – I really enjoyed it. A really interesting take on parallel universes and although it was obviously fiction, it had some thought-provoking views. But honestly now, as soon as I go up to bed, I can’t keep my eyes open to read more than half a page. Maybe I need a different book, this one is quite factual and scientific so it’s not as light and easy-to-read as I’m used to.
I’ve always been better at 1-to-1 friendships, rather than larger groups. Groups intimidate me. I don’t even particularly like WhatsApp groups with more than 4 members. I’d never given it much thought until I was pregnant with Aurora, but I realised that any time I was in a large group, usually someone’s birthday dinner, or a night out, I would be able to have a drink or two to loosen up and feel a little more relaxed. It was only when that wasn’t an option that I realised how anxious I felt in those situations. It doesn’t seem to matter how well I know the group either, even my lovely NCT ladies, we had a party for our 3 year olds in Feb, with all the dads as well. I hadn’t felt worried about it, or felt particularly uncomfortable when I was there, but when one friend asked if I was ok, and that I didn’t seem myself, that’s when it hit me. I was obviously a little overwhelmed.
The same thing happened a few weeks after when we went to one of the girls houses, I was so excited to see everyone, that that is all I was thinking about. Then on the drive there I did a quick tally of how many of us there would be, in one room, and it was 5 adults and 8 children. 13 people - that’s a party! That’s not a quiet coffee and a little play date. But we forget that we have such an entourage with us now!
Hopefully it’ll be better when the weather is warmer, and we can be out in the gardens, or parks, and spread out a little more.
Anyway, I was thinking today about the girls and how Aurora is quite clearly very happy in her own company as well, I’m sure Luna will be as she grows up, but it’s too early to tell just yet.
Aurora can happily play independently, sing songs to herself, get lost in her painting, and when we have had play dates in the past, I worried because the other children would all play together and she would just wonder off doing her own thing. She would play with the others too, but it was as if it didn’t matter to her whether they joined in or not, she wanted to do what she wanted, and if they joined in, great, and if not, that was also fine.
So then I started thinking about ‘independence’ as a quality. I don’t think how we view independence, as adults, is entirely correct.
If we see someone walk into a room full of people, on their own, and strike up conversation confidently, we think they are independent.
If someone goes travelling, with a group of strangers, to a country they have never visited before, we think they are independent.
If someone can go to a dinner party where the majority are couples, on their own, we think they are independent.
But all those situations are flooded with other people. I would say that each of those examples emits a huge amount of confidence, but also inclusion. Putting oneself in to other groups, groups you may or may not be familiar with.
I believe that the true meaning of independence is marching to your own drum, with no one around. No one can ever witness you being independent, as then you wouldn’t be.
Taking a solo walk in the woods, without seeing another sole.
Spending time in your sanctuary, your nest, your home.
Meditation.
As much as that all sounds delicious, I don’t want to be completely isolated, as I crave conversation with my loved ones. I love wholesome interactions. I love laughing with my friends and family. I love Luke and the girls more than life. I love sarcasm. I love hugs. I love encouraging others. I love listening. I love watching the girls learn new things. I love seeing them play together. I love imagining what they will be like at each age. I love my 3 evenings a week with Luke, putting the world to rights, over a glass of wine and some gorgeous food.
On the flip side I love crafting, on my own (I enjoy it with Aurora too – but it is not the same!) I enjoy driving alone, listening to a podcast, or singing loudly to my music. I love building flat-packed furniture, on my own. I love watching any TV programme to do with tidying, organising, home renovation, decorating or crafting. I love reading. I love writing this blog. I love cups of tea on the sofa. I love snuggling under a blanket. I love tidying all the toys away into their certain places, once the girls are in bed. I love my little routines and rituals that make me feel as though everything is in order.
I think what I am trying to say is that there seems like such a fine line between the two and getting the balance right, is Utopia.
Highlights of the week
A very exciting potential opportunity for the future. It may be a couple of years away, but I feel like it is what we have been waiting for. I always believe that everything happens as it is meant to, and this may just prove that once again.
Aurora getting better at apologising without being prompted. Not every time, obviously, but maybe 10% which is a start.
I feel like the week has been filled with a lot more ‘silliness’, and hopefully that is because of a shift in me. It may also be because it is Easter holidays, so no Pre School to interrupt the flow of the week. But I have been actively trying to laugh at situations before reacting, and I think it has made an improvement. Today Aurora wanted to do some ‘chalkings’ on her Easel, in the Utility Room, while I cooked dinner. She called me in a couple of times, while I was trying to quickly hang some washing up. When I did go in to see what she wanted, she had used the blue chalk all over both her hands and arms, and all over her nose. I knew I should laugh, but I didn’t. I had an entire internal dialogue as I walked her through the house to the kitchen, instructing her to not touch a thing as I didn’t want chalk everywhere. That short journey was what I needed; the talk worked. I took a photo, for obvious reasons, and then started to giggle. When I asked her why she did it, she said she wanted to be the nice green dinosaur (from something she watched on Netflix this morning) which seemed like one of the most innocent answers she could have given. These things that seem mischievous or annoying, are rarely done with any malice.
The other day we were doing some writing practice in one of her books that has wipeable pages and a white board pen. I popped upstairs to get something, and when I came back down, Aurora was stood next to the table looking utterly chuffed with herself. She told me she had written her name and a smiley face. I couldn’t see any sign of that… She then said ‘Tada’ and pointed to the table leg… Absolutely covered in pen. Luckily it did rub off relatively easily, but she really didn’t want to rub off the ‘A’ and smiley face, as she was so proud of it! So again, another photo for the album, and another endearing story, in which laughing at it was the best reaction.
If I can continue to try to practice this more and more, then I will be happy. I’m going to take a leaf out of Daniel Tiger’s book, and ‘When I’m feeling mad, and I want to ROAR, just take a deep breath, and count to four!’
I have started doing some Mindfulness meditation each night before bed, since last Wednesday, so maybe that is already having a positive effect! I’m determined to continue with it this time, as I have dabbled a lot in the past, but never got very far. Knowing how stubborn I am, if I announce it on here, and tell myself I have to, then I will.
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