Why am I so uptight?
I would enjoy motherhood so much more if I let go more.
I have such unrealistic expectations and standards and get so frustrated when they are not met but I’m only making us all miserable.
I feel like I almost have a brain block on relaxing it though.
I know I need to, but physically can’t.
How do I help this matter?
I wrote this on my phone whilst the girls ate dinner on Sunday evening, and I let a tear or two escape down my cheek, unnoticed.
I had felt as though I had been doing better, feeling happier, coping in frustrating situations, being able to enjoy it all more, but then Sunday rolled around and BAM!
It is definitely the curse of Sunday. It is our equivalent to ‘that Friday feeling’. Counting the minutes until Luke gets home to help share the load.
I am witnessing myself being like it, yelling internally to chill the eff out and lighten up, but at the same time reaching my boiling point and bubbling over.
It’s always over such silly little things, that for whatever reason I just cannot seem to let go. I know that I need to take myself away from it before it reaches this point. But that seems to be so much easier said than done.
I think I really am just reaching the end of my limit in terms of doing this all singlehandedly for most of the week. Now that we have Luke’s new role on the horizon, with his better hours, more time together as a family and therefore being able to share the load a lot more, it’s almost like a carrot being dangled. That feeling when you hand your resignation in, and then have to work at that company for a minimum of another four weeks. It’s impossible to not mentally check out, and I feel like that is what I have done. It’s dangerous to be doing that this soon though as we still have 6 months to go.
I don’t want to waste this time or wish it away. I want to make the most of living in this beautiful part of the country, seeing my friends that I have made here as much as possible, but at the same time, my head and heart are already back in Newbury. We have lots of exciting things happening before that though, so I need to enjoy each of them first, and not live too far into the future.
Firstly, we are getting a new bathroom put in next week and I CANNOT wait! All the furniture for it started arriving yesterday so now it feels very real. I’m so excited to finally have a bathroom that I am proud of and don’t despise going in or apologise to guests for.
The following week Aurora is turning 4! Luke has the whole week booked off, so it is going to be lovely to all get some much-needed family time together and celebrate our beautiful girl. She seems more mature with each day that goes by. I’m thoroughly enjoying this age and witnessing her curiosity, creativity, knowledge, wonder, and personality grow.
On Saturday, I took the girls back to Newbury for a few hours, so that I could visit a Primary School with Aurora while my mum had Luna. It’s the school I went to, and we would love it if Aurora could go there too.
It was the most surreal experience, going back into the classrooms and main hall that I spent so many years of my childhood, but this time with a child of my own. It was amazing, she absolutely loved it and seemed so excited about the whole thing. The teachers that we met were wonderful and had such positive words to say about the school, as well as about our moving situation and were really encouraging. I got such a good vibe and have a really good feeling about it all. Manifesting it until it’s a reality.
I feel really organised in terms of Christmas this year. I’ve been a bit of a hound to my family getting plans in place, asking for gift lists, and making arrangements, but I’m not sorry. It has meant that I have been able to split the gift buying over about 4 months, easing the financial strain. We have also set price limits within our families so there will be no feelings of guilt or that we haven’t brought enough.
I love Christmas so much but every year without fail, since being an adult, I have felt stressed, worried, guilty, sad, and worthless at some point or another. Comparing a gift that I have got for someone with that of someone else. Thinking that I have got something that they will love, but then doubting myself and wishing I had got more. Spending an absolute fortune and it is potentially all on things that they don’t even want or need.
With our last few house moves it became more obvious to me that I, myself, had a large collection of gifts from others that I didn’t particularly need. This is nothing against the item, or in fact the person who bought it for me, but more for the realisation that we all waste so much money on each other for the sake of it. As dull as it may be to write lists and then receive gifts from that, I now realise that it is a much more economical way of buying.
We have also taken the decision with some family members to stop buying for each other all together. I am a firm believer that time together and shared experiences are far better than gifts anyway. It sounds so materialistic to talk about gifts so much, and I never expect any, but it is the culture and this new way of doing it this year has lifted the weight from my shoulders and will hopefully mean that I will enjoy the entire run up, with no worries.
I think for the children as well, it can be so overwhelming with lots of gifts everywhere. We haven’t got much for the girls and the things we have are relatively inexpensive, second hand or from Charity shops. Aurora has put aside some of her old toys and teddies as gifts for Luna which is one of the most beautiful and wholesome things I have witnessed.
The obstacle to overcome now is that every single advert that comes on the TV for a toy is followed by Aurora stating that she would really like it and please can she have it. She is great when we are in a shop and she sees something because we take a photo and say that we will send it to Father Christmas, but I am getting bored of saying ‘you can write it on your letter’ after every advert. I don’t even know if I want to do the whole letter to Santa thing, but almost accidently stumbled in to using it as my get out of jail card. Maybe we just need to stop watching Milkshake between now and Christmas and stick to Netflix and Disney where there are no adverts!! I think I might actually make that call!
Yesterday we had a lovely day all together, and it reminded me of how wonderful and enjoyable it can be, especially when there are two of us and two of them. A much easier ratio to work with. I know that I don’t help myself on the days I have them on my own as I rarely go out, so we all get a little irritable from being in all day, but the introvert and hermit that I am is so much more comfortable at home. We didn’t do anything overly exciting yesterday, and only left the house when we popped to the shop, but it felt so light, and easy and fun. Everyone was in a good mood; we were laughing our heads off at each other and it made my heart happy.
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