Last night, I walked out of my house at 7.45pm, got in my car, and drove for 20 blissfully silent minutes to meet my friend Hilary at a pub for dinner. Who do I even think I am!?
I felt no guilt about Luna potentially waking and needing a feed, because that is no longer solely my role. She can officially be comforted by both Luke and me, equally. She also, since last Monday when we first weaned her from breast feeding for good, has slept through almost every night! So, the worry of her waking during the evening has almost disappeared completely.
It’s ground-breaking.
I was so ready for an absolute shit show. Night after night of screaming for hours, never settling, everyone more shattered than we had originally been, me potentially giving in and feeding her out of pure desperation. There has been none of that at all.
My body has felt completely battered and if I’m honest, I do think I made a slight mistake going completely cold turkey. My poor boobs. But I do think it worked best for us in general, and Luna really has accepted it so easily. Also, she is a huge fan of cow’s milk now! Can’t get enough! Which is such a relief.
Last night was only the third night that she has woken, in 10 nights, and it was the first time that she allowed me to be the one to comfort her, giving her a cuddle and a bottle of milk, before popping her back in her cot, and stroking her back. Barely any tears shed at all. The other two nights she has woken, she flat out refused to let me comfort her, I think it was too triggering for her, when I have always comforted her with feeding up until now, and the milk was still there, I just wasn’t giving it to her.
Now that the milk has gone, and there are no more reminders, she has accepted me back. Thank God. I thought she may have held a grudge for a long time, if she is anywhere near as stubborn as her Mummy…
I do feel as though I have lost my mojo a little recently. I’m struggling to remember what I enjoy. I’m trying to decide what I’m going to do when we move back to Berkshire next year, and I don’t know if I want to stay in hospitality. I think it is a brilliantly fast-paced and exciting industry before you have children. It’s usually really flexible and can be worked around most schedules. But I don’t know if it is where my heart is anymore.
I also have absolutely no idea what else I have. It’s all I really know. To be truly successful, you need to fully commit, and I am just not in the position to do that right now, with my girls being so young. As much as I complain about them, I don’t want to spend any more time away from them, than I do currently.
I’m trying to think about different avenues, but am always coming up with long lists of reasons ‘why not’.
I know that the right thing will come along, exactly when it is meant to, but I am so impatient that I would like to know what that is now. I want it to be something that I love, and enjoy, and can feel passionate about, but I need a little freedom to find out what that could be.
I haven’t got time, or brain space, for hobbies. I don’t often talk to friends about my interests. Every single second of every day is taken up with the girls. They are all consuming. I’ve forgotten how to converse on any other level. If I’m not with them, I’m talking about them, and if I’m not talking about them, I’m thinking about them.
I’m still really keen to do a yoga class one night a week, I think that will help firstly empty my brain of all the kid ‘noise’, and secondly, it’ll be something away from the house that I can enjoy and look forward to. But equally, Luke and I get such minimal time together, that I don’t want to sacrifice one of our few precious evenings, to go and do a yoga class, when I could realistically do it at home.
Luke and I have a date night booked in for this week, and one for next week, which seems very indulgent. Hopefully that will give us a few hours for each, where we can switch off, unwind, and start throwing some ideas around! The excitement for being able to get out as a couple, is almost too much. It’s been such a long time, and I already feel more relaxed about it, now that Luna will hopefully be better through the evening.
Aurora has also been so much better at bedtimes. The nights when Luke is working, and it’s just been me here, have strangely been the easiest. She has been so good at staying in bed, maybe reading, or playing for an extra 10-15 mins, and then quietly going to sleep, all while I’m still in with Luna. She doesn’t massively understand that I’m putting Luna to bed in a different way, I haven’t taken the time to explain it to her in detail, but from last Wednesday, my first night alone with them, she’s been a dream, and asleep by 7.30 most nights. Luna has followed close behind.
The biggest issue we’re having with Aurora at the moment, is her continuous toilet accidents. I just don’t know what is happening. She has been potty trained for over a year.
She had a huge regression last October and it nearly tipped me over the edge. Now it is happening again. I’m questioning if there is something physically wrong. She definitely gets worse when she is constantly asked if she needs to go, but it is so hard to not encourage her to go when she is wriggling around like an eel, looking like she is going to burst any second.
I know I need to lay off, it’s what I did last time, and it was revolutionary. But on the flip side, if she is completely left alone, that is also when it happens… She knows that it is wrong, she has had months where she has been great at it, so this almost feels like it is a conscious decision she is making.
I don’t know if it’s the fact that she is in different people’s care, and we all go about it differently, that she gets overwhelmed, or confused. Hopefully the fact we are now in Summer Holidays, it will help. No Pre School, and Luke and I can make sure that we are on the same page, and react in the same way every time, and then it’ll just be the odd days with Grandma and Nana.
She also comments on how Luna is a baby and she wears nappies, and does her wees and poos in there. So maybe there is either some confusion, or attention seeking from that, Luna does it, so why can’t I?
Today I did something that I have always been so firmly against, when it comes to toilet training, and I flat out bribed her. I told her if she could get from morning to bedtime, without having an accident, I’d give her a present. I had no idea what the present was, but also knew that I probably didn’t need to think of one because she would almost certainly still have an accident. And she did.
Maybe she just needs some more fibre. Perhaps I’ll take a serious look at her diet, although she has basically had the same things for years! Any advice greatly appreciated. I’m tired of it.
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