I wrote this on Sunday night at 7.10pm when I was right in the moment, so it is pretty raw, but I will post it unedited.
I did ok on the ‘No Shouting’ until today. If anyone has any legitimate advice on how to keep your cool in the throes of the most ridiculous meltdowns, then I am all ears!
I had a friend come to visit for the day today, and I can fully accept that Aurora was playing up and needing more attention because I had someone there that I was trying to talk to. I tried my best to include her, and let her have her turn etc. But am I never meant to have a full adult conversation ever again? It took us about 3 hours to have a 20 minute chat!
I get that toddlers need attention and feel left out when you are concentrating on something else. They then act up, or show off, or demand that your focus be on them in any way imaginable, usually resulting in unfavourable behaviour. Luna is the same, except she just shrieks at the top of her lungs with a smile on her face!
So even understanding all of that, and explaining calmly, ‘Mummy is just talking to her friend, and then it will be your turn.’ Why is it so bloody impossible to talk to an adult!? It’s not like I do it all the time, I barely see anyone except for my mummy friends at play dates, and even then it’s hard enough!
I decided to go to the park with them all, as then Aurora could be playing and doing things that she enjoys, and I could hopefully continue talking to my friend, Zoe. But obviously being at the park involves playing, or chasing, or pushing on swings, so it was not as easy as I had hoped.
We then went for a coffee at The Clockspire, as Zoe hadn’t been there before and I don’t think anyone should be neglected like that! I do like to show it off and celebrate Luke’s work (plus then the girls get to see Daddy at work!)
Again, the children wanted to go in completely different directions. Aurora made the most amount of mess possible when drinking her hot chocolate with marshmallows. Luna was wailing and flailing around. I knew all the way through that the girls just needed me to play with them, or give them my full attention, and so I felt guilty as well as frustrated. But is it so wrong of me to just want one day catching up with a friend? Is that really so unrealistic? Or do I need to wave goodbye to all adult communication for the next 10 years?
Zoe then went home from the restaurant and we came back to ours to make dinner. Everything was fine on the journey home, but as soon as we arrived back Aurora’s frustrations started and honestly by the end, I just couldn’t keep my cool anymore. It’s always over the most ridiculous things!
She couldn’t open the cupboard to put her boots away, so she threw them across the floor.
She wanted to pick her cutlery (the exact cutlery that I had already picked for her, I hasten to add) so she threw it across the table.
She wanted ketchup and mayonnaise on her plate, but some of it went on her food (the food that she was going to dip in it) so she threw it across the table.
There are only so many times I can say, ‘Just keep calm, use your words, blah blah blah’. Because at the end of the day, I’m telling her to keep calm, when I am struggling to do that myself and I’m shouting at her to not shout.
Sundays are my least favourite day of the entire week. Even when the week has gone really quickly, like this one has, it has obviously taken a mental strain on me, being alone with the girls all week. It’s also the promise of Luke ‘finishing early’ on Sundays, but this has drifted from 4.30ish… to 5.30ish… to 6.30ish and later. On the other days, it is easier in a way, as I KNOW that he won’t be home until 11pm or later, so I can muscle through. But on Sundays, I have hope bubbling just under the surface. Praying that he will make it home before dinner, so that I have an extra pair of hands. Getting excited any time I hear a car door closing. But once again, it was almost 7pm and I had already lost my temper numerous times and we had all ended up crying.
I just haven’t got the mental capacity to cope with 2 crying babies when I feel so frustrated.
The fact that Luna is still waking 4 times a night, minimum, I’m sure is not helping. It’s not the obvious tiredness, as she is an efficient feeder, so we can be up, fed, and back down, within about 10-15 minutes. But it’s the interruption to the sleep. It’s the fact that every night this week she has ended up in our bed as she has not settled as usual. The fact I then can’t fall in to a deep sleep as I’m worried that she will fall out, or wriggle around.
All of that. Mixed with all the new emotions that Aurora is feeling. Along with each new emotion that I am too. Because not only is Aurora brand new to all of this, but obviously, so am I! It’s a lot.
This and being so far from all of our families and most of our friends. Not really knowing what the future holds, as plans are being discussed but not yet acted upon. Financial strains. Talks of Aurora starting school and the stresses of where that will even be. They’re all things that individually seem small and nothing to worry about. But I think it’s been building and this week I’ve just buckled.
But I needed to cry. I felt better for it. I don’t know about Aurora. Probably not. But then they seem so resilient, she can literally be crying so much that she is dribbling like an animal one second, and the next she is laughing her head off. I wish I had the ability to switch like that, but it takes me a long time to calm down after something like this. I’m such a talker too, I think that’s one of the big reasons I wanted to do this blog. I’ve always said that talking is my medicine. If I ever feel down or stressed or anything, I want to see my friends, talk it through, and then I feel better.
If I ever have an argument with someone, I need to talk to them as soon as we’ve calmed down and sort it out, I can’t leave anything unfinished. I know not everyone works like that at all, but I need closure from everything, even the smallest event.
So from this, what felt like a 2-hour long shouting match, but in reality was more like 5 ‘shouty’ moments, has really taken it out of me and I feel like I need to have a big talk with Luke this evening. I’m writing this while feeding Luna to sleep (as I have gone back to doing that, especially after the Health Visitor recommended it at her 10 month check) as I needed to separate myself from it all.
Listening to Aurora and Luke having such a lovely, calm bed time story is beautiful, but it is also making me feel so much worse. Why can’t I have those moments with her all the time? Why am I the one that gets almost all her frustration? Why do I bite so easily? Why can’t I be calmer? More level-headed? More like Luke!?
But he walked in at the climax of it all. Everyone was craving him. Our superman, coming to save the day.
I don’t know what I’d do without him. Fail. That’s for sure.
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