Today has been a bad one. It started out with such promise. Although both girls were unsettled through the night, and I was in Aurora’s bed with her from about 3.30-6.30. But once Luna had settled back down again around 4ish she slept until almost 9am! For someone who favours a wake-up time of anything starting with a 5, this was astronomical. Obviously, it would have been better if I wasn’t awake at 6.30 with Aurora anyway, but hey Ho.
We had a relatively chilled and peaceful morning, getting ready at a leisurely pace before I realised that we needed to get a bit of a wriggle on to get lunch in and then get to Pre School. First day back today after the summer holidays.
As soon as I started trying to make lunch, all my tranquillity and patience seemed to evaporate, and I snapped.
What is it with toddlers demanding something to eat while you are literally making them food!?
So, we had a strained lunch which was exactly what I had NOT wanted, just before Aurora’s first afternoon back at Pre School.
I then rushed around getting the last few bits ready before we headed off. Threw some towels on the washing line, name stamped the spare clothes going in her backpack, and getting her to do a wee before we went.
We were then all ready to get in the car, with 10 minutes to spare for a 4-minute journey, before I realised that Aurora’s car seat wasn’t in my car. It was in Luke’s car. Luke had his car at work, a 20-minute drive away. Plus, it was 12.50pm, so right in the thick of lunch service.
I called Luke explaining the situation and he did offer to bring the seat home, but waiting for it would make us so much later than if we just set off immediately and walked instead.
I was so annoyed that I almost cried. What a great impression for the first day back. Plus, it was about 35 degrees so not ideal temperature for speed walking.
Aurora did really well for the first half of the walk, but the second half is all up hill, and she was starting to flag.
She had already told me earlier in the morning that she had been tired, so she was now repeating that statement with every other step.
I had called the school to explain the situation, so they were aware that we were going to be late, but it didn’t help the fact that I felt like I had to keep rushing. In the end I was carrying my 2.5 stone toddler and pushing a fast asleep Luna in the pram up the last part of the hill.
It just put a spanner in my entire plan, but at least Luna stayed asleep for the whole walk home and then for about 45 mins once back as well.
I had a sudden moment of motivation and decided that this would be a perfect time to attack the enormous Buddleia that has been growing on the outside of our garden fence. It has almost completely taken over the public footpath down the side of our house and has also started drooping over into our garden too.
It has obviously seeded itself there from the plant in our neighbours’ garden, that tends to overhang the same pathway.
We’ve been flippantly discussing whose responsibility it is to control it, as it is on the public path, but I had had enough and so grabbed my clippers and went to town on it.
I was hugely overheated by this stage, an unexpected walk in the blazing sun for 30 minutes, followed by hacking away at that jungle, so once Luna had woken up, we both enjoyed an ice cream each in the vein hope of cooling down.
Luke had said he would come and drop Aurora’s car seat off so that I didn’t have to endure another walk to and from to collect her, so he met us at the supermarket while Luna and I did the food shop.
Finally, all sorted.
Luna and I went to pick Aurora up and it sounded like she had had a great time. She is already telling me about some ‘new friends’ that were there and they had had chocolate cake as their snack as it had been somebody’s birthday.
Prepping dinner was relatively calm, with the odd moment of me getting frustrated that the girls were underneath my feet, but we all managed to eventually sit down together for dinner.
I was starting to get a headache from it all, especially the heat so that probably made things worse.
I cleaned up and got us all ready for our after-dinner walk. I’m not going to lie; I haven’t been finding these as wholesome and therapeutic as I did to begin with. I think because I have done 95% of them on my own, and it’s just not that relaxing taking two toddlers out, loose, for a walk on your own.
But I was determined today that we didn’t even need to walk that far, just find the closest patch of grass, and have a play. So that we did. Without even voicing this as a suggestion, Aurora requested it, so we are both obviously on the same page somewhere! We had a lovely little sit down and watched some other children nearby playing. We then just walked around the block and back home.
But once again, for the second day in a row, as we returned home, Aurora said that she needed a poo, and had done a little bit in her knickers.
She had been doing so well, we were about two weeks completely free of any accidents at all. I don’t know what has suddenly made her do it again. I really thought we were out the other side.
She was extremely apologetic both times, and I didn’t react at all, but come on!!!
Is it a coincidence that the last two days I have felt more stressed and therefore snapped more easily? Is there a connection between those two?
Bath and bedtime were equally stressful, and I think I had simply exceeded my limit for the day. I sent an SOS text to Luke saying that I actually cannot keep doing all these evenings by myself and then I silently wept while they played in the bath. They didn’t even notice. I don’t know if that is better or worse.
I just felt an overwhelming surge of guilt, sadness, regret, and above all else… a pounding headache which now seems to be heading towards a migraine.
I would quite like to sit in a dark silent room… but alas, we still have bedtime to face yet!
Both girls were shattered. Their disturbed sleep last night, combined with a tiring day back at school, lots of walking and of course this heat had really tired them out. Luna was yawning and rubbing her eyes, and Aurora was telling me outright that she was tired.
So, you would think that that would mean I could quietly read them their 2 stories, whilst they both drank their milk and then they would happily fall to sleep? No. To be fair, it wasn’t horrendous, and they both finally gave in around 7.45, so in the grand scheme of things, that is a good night. But it wasn’t without its drama. Luna was really fighting it, she would lie down and seem as though she was about to drop off, and then jump back up on to her feet repeating ‘Mehh’ to me, which I am still yet to receive a translation for… But eventually, a couple of foot rubs later, she was down.
During this time, Aurora was up and down, asking me to come back to her room, not happy with my repetitive answer that I would be back once Luna was asleep. I did manage to get out of Luna’s room, and in with Aurora for 5 minutes or so, before having to return. It wasn’t enough, I hate being torn between the two, especially with Luna at this age where I cannot logically explain anything to her. Annoyingly I then got frustrated again and explained in a rather loud voice that Aurora was to go and wait for me in her room and I would be in when Luna was asleep. She then fell asleep while I was still in with Luna.
A win in one way, but not in the other as I didn’t get to give her a cuddle and a kiss and apologise for being frustrated. She didn’t get her calm bedtime that she deserves. I hate it when she falls asleep and the last words that I have said to her have been in anger.
I was in two minds whether to write my blog post tonight. Largely because I still felt so rubbish about how the day had panned out and don’t feel as though I managed to rescue it in any way. Secondly because my head really is thumping now and I could do without looking at a screen, or even having to think too much.
But I’m glad I did, as once again, it has been a cathartic release that I think I needed.
Maybe because I don’t have Luke here in the evenings to unload on to, or share these moments of frustration with, that writing it down on here is the next best thing.
I keep searching for the magic answer, that one certain thing that is going to suddenly make all of this so much easier, but unfortunately, I think the only thing that would improve this situation for good would be Luke not working evenings or weekends, and that is a much bigger battle.
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