Back to the deafening sounds of the seagulls that seem to populate our road, and specifically our garden and roof. A stark contrast to the near silence of Center Parcs last week. It was so incredibly tranquil. Surrounded by forest, squirrels coming to collect last night’s crumbs from our patio and deer wondering past our windows without a care in the world. No cars, or sound of traffic other than the occasional toot from the land train. No schedules, other than a few activities booked for the children. We swam, we played, we walked, we ate, we drank, we laughed, and most importantly spent some more quality time with Luke’s family.
It was wonderful to get away, and it was equally lovely to get home and have another 5 days together as a four. I’m already looking forward to our next week off together.
The last entry I wrote, before going away, was relatively brief. I felt as though I didn’t put much heart in to it, and the biggest reason was because I was completely fogged by the fact that Aurora is still having toilet accidents, a lot. It has taken over almost every single day. I had felt so overwhelmed by it that week, but equally didn’t want to write about it, so I just purposefully kept it short and sweet, sweeping it under the carpet. But I can’t do that again. I need to get it all out before it starts eating me from the inside.
A few weeks before the summer holidays she had started having the occasional accident, at home and at Pre School. Her teacher mentioned it to me and asked if there was a reason. I agreed that she had been having the odd one at home as well, but other than when she had had a suspected UTI, there was nothing else I could pinpoint to be the reason.
With the start of the summer holidays, I thought, and hoped, that she might come out the other side of this phase, and it would no longer be something that we needed to worry about. That didn’t happen, and if anything, it got a little worse.
I don’t want to go in to too much information, but she is perfectly capable of getting to the toilet in time to have a wee. Regarding the other, it’s as if she doesn’t even try. She does it and says nothing. It’s not always because she is distracted. She has never had an issue before with going, she doesn’t have specific rituals or favourite toilets, or any of that. There has literally never been an issue with her saying she needs to go, or with her going.
So, then I started to wonder if it was a physical issue. Was she constipated? Was she getting enough fibre? Was there something seriously wrong?
The week at Center Parcs was pretty bad, with her having accidents almost every day (not always the whole hog, but little bits – I’m trying to say this all in the best way without it being too gross) Since returning home, it has been every day.
We have really laid off the prompting as I know that always makes her worse. She had a regression like this in October, but there were more obvious reasons I could see for it then. We had just had our wedding, we had moved her from the small bedroom into the bigger room, Luna was 6 months, so was crawling and getting in to everything, and we had started weaning, which inevitably brings more attention and fuss, however hard you try not to! It was Halloween, Fireworks night, and talks of her birthday and Christmas were in the air, as well as starting to talk about her going to Pre School that January. It was a hectic and overwhelming time of year.
But this time, I don’t know!? It does seem to have been worse since I have weaned Luna off breast feeding. Strangely, even though Luna is more mobile, walking confidently, climbing, playing more, I think Aurora really sees her as a baby at the moment. She calls her ‘baby’ quite often or will pretend that Luna is her baby. The fact that Luna now drinks from a bottle at bedtime brought some jealousy, so Aurora too started having bedtime milk again, and after a few weeks of accepting it in a sippy cup, she then wanted a bottle like Luna. I didn’t think much of it, so went along with it and bought them each a new one.
For weeks, maybe months, in fact now that I’m writing this it is dawning on me that it could easily have been for the same amount of time as the accidents, she has been talking like a baby – A LOT. Not pretending to be a baby every now and again, or using baby speak like ‘goo goo gaga’, but actually talking in a conversation, with everyone, in a baby voice. It has been getting right under my skin, and I have challenged it from a few different angles. None of which have worked and I’m now at the stage of ‘Don’t talk like a baby’.
My friend Hilary had said that her daughter had been pretending to be a baby recently as well, although her daughter is a year younger than Aurora, and they have just had a new baby, so that seemed to be more understandable in terms of timing. But she mentioned that she had discussed with her daughter what her baby character was called, so they gave her a name, and could then comment on if she was pretending to be ‘Baby ….’
So, I tried this technique with Aurora later that day. She spoke like a baby, and I asked what the babies name was. She said something that sounded like Rose. I thought that was a really sweet name for her to pick, but wanted to make sure that was what she had said. So I asked if she had said Baby Rose, and she simply said, ‘No, Baby Roast Beef’. This kid, honestly.
Laying all these ‘baby’ related points out, talking like a baby, having accidents as if she were wearing a nappy, drinking from a baby bottle, I think she is really struggling with the stage that both her and Luna are at now. She is a ‘big girl’ yet not grown up enough to do a lot of things. She must be the older sister, share her toys, witness Luna hitting big and obvious milestones, when her own are more subtle now. I try so hard to keep everything as equal as I can, and if I tell Aurora off about a certain behaviour, trying to do the same to Luna (knowing full well that she doesn’t understand in the same way as Aurora, but trying to keep it fair). I feel as though I over think everything like that, so the fact that I have clearly missed the mark somewhere, and Aurora has had such a huge negative reaction to it, kills me.
I always try and make such a big deal about new skills that Aurora learns, like doing up buttons, tying a knot, writing letters etc. I try equally hard to not compare her and Luna or talk about their individual achievements in a competitive way. I encourage them both to celebrate each other and if Luna learns something new, I will try to word it in a way that makes out Aurora has taught her that skill, or she has learnt it from her in some way.
I know regressions like this do happen, but I feel as though they haven’t happened to any of my immediate friends. I just want someone to tell me that it is ok, and it will pass. Why do phases like this feel like they are lasting an eternity, yet once you’re through them, looking back, it seems like such a fleeting moment?
When Aurora had a regression like this in October, I sent a message in to a WhatsApp group I am in, from a baby group I did before the pandemic, that has over 80 members. I’m not usually one to bare all to a bunch of strangers, but after crying in my kitchen, I felt like I needed to do something.
This morning I went back and read the responses to that SOS message. It has definitely made me feel a little better and reset my brain slightly. I need to not react when she has an accident, other than a simple ‘poo goes in the toilet’. As soon as I made this change last time, it was almost an immediate improvement. There’s less drama, and I felt calmer by not reacting.
I need to celebrate when she does successfully tell me she needs to go/take herself to the toilet.
The nighttime nappy needs to come off as soon as she is awake, and she goes to the toilet there and then before even coming downstairs.
Before we leave the house to go anywhere, I want to form a habit of going to the toilet, so I have already started taking her with me each time.
I also try and take any pressure away when she is on the toilet, as inevitably in the past, particularly the last few months, Luna is either trying to get into the toilet with us, or crying because she has been left outside, so there is a certain amount of rushing, which isn’t a good environment.
Last night we took away her bottle for milk at bedtime and explained that she can either have an open cup, or sippy cup. Obviously, that did not go down well, and we had one of her biggest tantrums to date. She got herself so worked up and could barely breath or talk. She eventually said that she wanted the bottle because she was a baby, and she wanted to pretend she was a baby every bedtime. That’s when the penny dropped for me. I was very close to caving in and giving her the bottle back, as she was in such hysterics, but Luke and I both stayed strong, sticking to our decision and after a while she eventually said that she wanted her milk in her sippy cup. Breakthrough!
Another factor that I think has not helped this situation is that one week I asked Luke to pick up a pack of her night nappies (I am in no way blaming Luke for this, although his level of attention to the detail I give is often less than 100%) and after explaining that they must be the pull up pant style, not the tab ones, he returned home with the latter. Of course.
We had been down to our last pull up pant, so had to use the tab nappies, and once I then bought the correct ones again a few days later, (I couldn’t handle using a whole pack of them, lying her down like a baby when she is over half my height) she kept asking for the tab style ones again. In the end I lied and told her they were all gone, but that was another trigger, as she liked being a baby.
I think I need to try and plan some more Mummy and Aurora time in again, as we haven’t done that for a few weeks, maybe even months, and we both benefitted a lot from it before. She probably gets fed up with the fact that everything she does, must either involve, or at least work around Luna as well. Luna’s naps haven’t been as reliable or consistent, so it’s not as if we get a guaranteed couple of hours each day. Some days it’s nothing, some days it’s only 45 minutes, and 44 of those are spent eating snacks, and other days it can be 2.5 hours, yet you never know it’s going to be that long until afterwards.
As much as it has been nice over the summer, having no schedule, getting to spend full days all together, and being able to achieve slightly more in a day. It will be nice when she is back at Pre School, I think. It’s tough having 2 children all day every day, on your own all bar one day.
I’m hoping when she goes back, she will feel more grown up, despite there being a new influx of younger children in her class. Most of which probably will talk more like babies, and not be potty trained, but fingers crossed it won’t affect her too much. Plus she will probably be kept with her age group most of the time, whereas before she was in that younger group, and I know from comments that she and her teacher have made that there were definitely still children in nappies (obviously that is absolutely fine, I’m just commenting in regards to it potentially effecting Aurora’s regression) and also Aurora once said, after talking like a baby, ‘That’s how **** talks’ so again, that could have been a reason/catalyst.
I already feel lighter after writing all this down, so now just hoping that we are over the worst of it and on the home straight.
On a positive note, to finish, since being home from Center Parcs, Luke and I decided to introduce an ‘after dinner walk’. We had both seen a reel explaining that this can have several positive benefits, including tiring the children out before bed, good for mental health, obviously the fitness side and I don’t know about anyone else, but I find it much easier to talk to people whilst walking, than sat face to face. It therefore opens the door for conversation. Aurora is like me and suddenly the flood gates open, and she comes out with all this information, and observations, that we wouldn’t have got if we had remained at the dinner table or sat in front of the TV. It’s also a shared moment and I think it could be the start of something really special. I’m not saying that we are going to do it every day, but if we can fit it in, even just 10-15 minutes, I think we will all benefit.
We didn’t take Luna’s pram, so she walked as well, and it was incredibly sweet. We did it a couple of times as a four, and tonight I tackled it on my own for the first time. Aurora is getting better at listening and waiting for Luna and me to catch up. I’m already looking forward to our next one, and obviously this glorious weather is helping make it even more attractive.
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